Coming Out
Some men have a hard time accepting that they’re attracted to other men. For others, coming to terms with their sexual preferences is the easy part – it’s telling the world they’re gay that’s difficult. Coming out is a painful and difficult process for many because of their real or imagined fears of a negative response from people when they find out, be they family, friends, other kids at school, workmates and others.
Telling people you’re gay can be relatively easy if you’ve been raised in a gay friendly environment and feel safe discussing your sexuality, but unfortunately, many gay men (and lesbians) still experience high levels of discrimination and verbal and physical abuse in Victoria. Higher rates of depression and even suicide among young gay men and lesbians, particularly in rural areas, have been linked to homophobia.
If you are in a situation in which you feel isolated and afraid to be open about your sexual preferences, it’s important that you find someone you can talk to. The Gay and Lesbian Switchboard is a good place to begin. Their trained volunteer telephone counsellors can talk through any problems you may be experiencing as well as provide advice and information about support groups and resources in your area. This is a free service.
Gay and Lesbian Switchboard (Vic)
Tel: 03 9827 8544
Freecall: 1800 184 527
Hours: 6-10pm every night and between 2-10pm Wednesdays.
Counselling Services at the VAC / GMHC are very experienced at helping men at a more intensive level with coming out issues. Call the VAC for more information on (03) 9865 6700.
Other helpful contacts:
For a list of support groups for gay and lesbian youth across Victoria, see www.frontyard.org/rainbow network.htm.
For help if experiencing harassment or violence at school, see:www.bullyingnoway.com.au/issues/sexuality.shtml
If you are experiencing homophobic abuse, including verbal or physical violence the following services may be able to help you:
To urgently report violence – especially recent violence, situations in progress, or when people are in immediate danger, call Victoria Police on 000. The Victoria Police have a Gay and Lesbian Liaison Office: they can be contacted for advice and assistance during office hours on (03) 9247 6944. Gay and Lesbian Liaison Officers work in all police regions within Victoria.
For advice and support if experiencing harassment in the workplace, call Jobwatch on (03) 9662 1933 or visit their website: www.job-watch.org.au and see ‘Workplace Violence’ under ‘Your Rights At Work’.
For resources and information visit the Anti Violence Project at: www.antiviolence.info
Isolation
Loneliness and social isolation is a common experience for many same-sex attracted men, whether they are in or out of the closet. The situation is improving all the time but rural and outer-suburban areas are often difficult places to meet other gay men or just gay-friendly people you can feel comfortable with.
The internet can be a great tool for finding and meeting people in your area but it can also be a trap. Addictive as it can be, chatting to or perving at people you’re never going to meet is a poor substitute for real intimacy. It’s a bit like eating junk food and ruining your appetite: you might feel full but has it done you any good?!
The issues section has some great ways to overcome isolation
Getting out there
A few good friends won’t make all of life’s problems disappear but they can certainly make a huge difference. Loneliness and isolation are still a common experience for gay men who have grown up in an environment hostile to homosexuality. Even after they come out and have access to other gay men, many gay men can still find it a challenge to trust others sufficiently to form a good network of friends, because of their experiences of homophobia in earlier years.
This in turn often leads to problems with alcohol and drugs – and using alcohol or drugs to cope with loneliness or social anxieties can make people more less able to take care of themselves, by protecting themselves from HIV and other sexually transmitted infections, for example.
As Carl and Koky both discuss in their stories on the website, friends can play an important role in helping each other stay HIV negative by getting regular HIV and STI tests together, giving each other moral support when they need to get tested and by looking out for each other when they’re out – and especially when they’re out of it! But most of all, good friends can help each other just by listening, being there and offering support and advice when they have concerns around HIV. Of course, friends can’t be picked up as easily as a litre of milk – or a one-night stand for that matter – but if you feel your social network could do with a boost, consider the following options:
Sporting / social groups
There is an enormous variety of social and special interest groups for gay men of all ages in just about every part of Victoria. They are a great way to meet other gay people, get involved and make new friends. These include:
rural gay groups,
social and support groups for guys of specific ethnic backgrounds (eg Arab and Gay, Greek and Gay),
groups for young gay men
groups for older gay men (e.g. Vintage Men)
gay sporting groups such as the Glamourheads (swimming), SPOOFTA (touch football), Argonauts (rowing) and the 69ers (ten pin bowling).
special interest groups such as Motafrenz (car enthusiasts), GLOBE (gay and lesbian business networking) and JOY 94.9 (Melbourne’s gay and lesbian radio station).
The free annual ALSO Directory has extensive listings of gay social and interest groups (Call ALSO on 9827 4999 to have a copy sent to you or view their listings on their website at www.also.org.au ) Melbourne’s gay and lesbian newspapers (eg MCV. B-news) also contain community listings and Gay and Lesbian Switchboard can help with groups in your area.
Peer education
"I went along and did ‘Young and Gay’ at the Victorian AIDS Council. I sat down in this group and thought, ‘I can’t be gay, I don’t really connect with anyone in this group’ and then an hour later another guy rocks up and we got chatting and he’s still one of my best friends today. That was five years ago. I ended up moving in with him a few months later and we just became really, really good friends." Carl.
The VAC offers a variety of workshops for gay men including: ‘Gay Asian Proud’, ‘Young and Gay’, ‘Momentum’ (for guys 26 +) and ‘Relationships’ (a workshop to help develop your relationship skills – you don’t have to be in a relationship to do it). These free workshops are a great way to make new friends as well as providing a great introduction to sexual health and life skills for gay men. For information call VAC/GMHC on (03) 9865 6700.
Counselling
Gay and Lesbian Switchboard
For help dealing with isolation, loneliness and related issues the Gay and Lesbian Switchboard is a good first contact. Their trained volunteer counsellors can offer everything from advice, information about gay groups and other resources in your area, referrals to gay-friendly doctors and clinics, or just a sounding board or a sympathetic ear if you need to talk through your problems.
(03) 9827 8544 or Freecall 1800 184 527 between 6 and 10pm every night and between 2 and 10pm on Wednesdays.
Counselling Services at the VAC
The Victorian AIDS Council’s Counselling Services help people deal with a wide range of issues including loneliness and isolation, trust, coming out, relationship problems, drug and alcohol abuse and HIV concerns. The first consultation is free and regular sessions are affordably priced according to your ability to pay. For more information go to the Counselling page.
Condoms and Erections
Many men experience difficulty maintaining an erection when putting on or using a condom. Listed below are a number of possible solutions and alternatives, but whether it happens occasionally or regularly, don’t let embarrassment or frustration lead you to ignore the importance of protecting yourself or others from the possibility of HIV transmission and take unnecessary risks.
If condom use is affecting your ability to maintain an erection during sex, you could consider the following options/strategies:
- Once you have an erection, a cock-ring can help to keep blood in the penis longer, which prolongs erection. These can be purchased at all good sex shops, some gay clubs and sex-on-premises venues. A cheap and convenient alternative is to tear off the ring at the base of a condom and use this as a cock-ring.
- Many men become bottoms instead (i.e. switch positions to the person being fucked) if they’re having trouble maintaining an erection. If you haven’t been the bottom before remember to ask the active partner to use a condom. There is great health and care information for bottoms at http://www.sexuality.org/l/incoming/analrule.html
- A good (though expensive) alternative to condoms is the Femidom. This is like a condom in reverse and is inserted in the anus (or vagina) of the person being fucked. This enables HIV prevention while taking the pressure off the active partner. Femidoms can be purchased at some chemists, Family Planning Centres, or online at www.condomcountry.com
- Consult your gay-friendly doctor: they can check for any medical causes of erection difficulties such as low testosterone count, the side-effects of HIV treatments or an allergic reaction to latex. And consulting your doctor about medical interventions such as Viagra or Kavaject is better than just ordering them over the internet. Viagra use can be dangerous in combination with amyl and/or medications used in the treatment of heart disease and high blood pressure. To see a gay-friendly doctor, call the VAC’s Centre Clinics on 9525 5866 (St Kilda) or 9481 7155 (Northcote). To see a gay-friendly counsellor, call the VAC on 9865 6700.
- Erection difficulties are more common as we get older, but attention to good diet and exercise can help. And quit smoking!
- Consult your gay-friendly counsellor: erection difficulties are often triggered by fears, anxieties, awkwardness, boredom, esteem issues, lack of intimacy – or too much intimacy - tied to specific situations, settings or relationships. Talking to a counsellor can help to recognise and come to grips with these issues. Counselling can also help with more long-term problems caused by depression and/or drug and alcohol abuse.
- Remember, fucking is not the only thing two men can do together. If it isn’t happening, try something else!
Depression
Research indicates that the rates of both depression and suicide are substantially higher among gay men as among heterosexuals. An Australian study of 403 gay men reported that 27% of respondents were suffering major depression and a research paper by the Ministerial Advisory Committee on Gay and Lesbian Health in Victoria reports that studies indicate that the suicide rate among homosexuals is 2-7 times higher than among heterosexuals with same-sex attracted people living in rural areas at particular risk.
It is also probable that men suffering depression or low self-esteem are less motivated to take care of their sexual health and more likely to put themselves at risk of getting or passing on HIV.
A yearly survey by beyondblue (the National Depression Initiative) shows that a huge majority of Australians think that depressed people should "just snap out of it." This attitude misses the point about depression, which is a mood disorder. A person with depression can't lift his mood no matter how hard he tries, and that's neither his fault nor a sign of weakness. Symptoms of depression include low self-esteem, feeling tired all the time, and feeling hopeless or helpless.
Depression can be quite mild, and it may be all a person knows of life: depression is not like a sickness that you or a doctor can recognise because it suddenly interrupts your normal life: for many people being depressed is normal life. Instead of wallowing in misery, most people with depression develop coping strategies to let them live an ordinary life. This can make it even more difficult for themselves and their friends to recognise their condition, since these coping strategies can mask many of the symptoms of depression. The result is that many people living with depression experience recurring periods of feeling intensely isolated and misunderstood.
Depression is treatable (with counselling or medication) and even preventable over time (using reflective mental workouts). Yet people with depression may be afraid or ashamed to raise the issue with their doctor, or to seek help from a counsellor. Taking that first step can be a huge hurdle, but it can lift a huge weight off your shoulders.
Do you need to diagnose yourself with a mental illness before you can ask for help? No. If your mood or self-esteem is often very low, there might be a reason for it, and your GP or a counsellor may be able to suggest ways to address that reason. It's perfectly reasonable to ask a professional for a second opinion on your mental and emotional patterns, and if they're more down than up, you may benefit from mood-changing medication or therapy. Your GP can also refer you to a counsellor, therapist or psychiatrist who specialises in dealing with depression.
If you recognise yourself in this article, take some time to think about asking for professional help. You may need to shop around a bit to find good advice and a treatment or prevention approach that works for you. Even if you have a few false starts in this process, they'll help you work out what you need and where you're headed.
Finding help
VAC/GMHC Counselling Service: VAC/GMHC Counselling Service: speak to the Duty Worker on (03) 9865 6700 weekdays between 2-4PM to arrange a first, free appointment.
The Centre Clinics provide medical services specifically for gay men: see their webpage or call (03) 9525 5866 (St Kilda) or (03) 9481 7155 (Northcote).
Is he or isn't he?
Many men ask, assume or try to guess whether their sexual partners are HIV positive or HIV negative, so they can decide whether or not to use condoms with him. This is not a good idea because you cannot reliably know someone is HIV negative just by asking them, or just by looking at them. Where and how you met someone and whether or not they are expecting to use condoms when you have sex are also not reliable means to guess a sex-partner’s HIV status.
If he doesn’t use a condom, is he HIV positive or HIV negative?
Many men who are (or assume they are) HIV negative think that if a casual sex partner doesn’t mention or use condoms they must also be HIV negative - because they think the partner would use a condom and tell them if they were HIV positive. However, many HIV positive men assume exactly the opposite - that if their casual sex partner doesn’t mention or use condoms they are HIV positive too – because they must have HIV already if they’re not taking precautions. As Clint says in his story on this site: assumptions are the mother of all fuck-ups!
(Many HIV positive men choose not to use condoms with other HIV positive men because they already have HIV. However, HIV positive men need to be aware of the possibility of getting or passing on a second, possibly more drug-resistant strain of HIV during condomless sex. HIV positive men also need to be aware of the increased danger that other STIs transmitted during unprotected sex pose to their health. See the sexual health section for details.)
Wouldn’t he tell me if he was HIV positive?
Many men who assume they are HIV negative expect sex partners to tell them if they’re HIV positive, before they have sex together. Some HIV positive men do tell their casual sex partners their HIV status, but many don’t. Think about it, if you were HIV positive, would you trust a complete stranger to respect your confidentiality and not tell other people your HIV status? Many HIV positive men are also reluctant to reveal their HIV status because they have had bad reactions from would-be sex partners in the past when they have told them they’re HIV positive.
The safe way to have casual sex is to assume that everyone is positive and to use condoms and water-based lubricant. If you have casual sex it’s likely that some of your partners over time will be HIV positive. Using condoms means it doesn’t matter what your partner’s HIV status is, which means you don’t need to talk about it.
Drugs and Alcohol
"For me, it’s definitely easier to pick up someone if you’ve had something to drink beforehand because your confidence goes up and your standards come down!" from Ethan’s story.
"Sexually I like giving and receiving, but when I first started having sex the only way I could take it was if I was out of it… And so, when I’ve met somebody who I really liked, the only way I could reciprocate was to get trashed, which then meant it wasn’t as much fun as it could have been." from Adam 2’s story.
"So I went and saw this counsellor... She... started asking me about my drinking habits and drug- taking and stuff like that... and she said, ‘Well, I think you might be an alcoholic’... She said, ‘Do you drink every day?’ and I said, ‘Yes’... She told me to come back in a week and to see if I could go without a drink for that week. I can remember going off to the Xchange and going up to the bar saying to myself: "Water, water, water" - and when I got to the bar I said, ‘Coopers, thanks’. Well, I blew that one!" from Leon’s story.
If you’re a gay man who relies too heavily on alcohol and/or drugs, you’re not alone! The Australian Drug Foundation’s study of alcohol and other drug use among gay, lesbian and queer communities in Victoria found that alcohol and drug use within these communities is two to four times higher than in the Victorian population as a whole. Why?
One reason this report suggests is that drug and alcohol misuse may be a result of discrimination and abuse gay men have experienced because of their sexual orientation. A number of studies have demonstrated a link between an individual’s drug and alcohol misuse and their experiences of discrimination and abuse.
Drug and alcohol misuse among GLBTI (Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, Transgendered and Intersex) people have also been associated with:
- Confusion around sexual orientation or gender identity;
- The stress associated with coming out to family, friends and work colleagues; and
- Low self esteem, depression, anxiety, and feelings of guilt and paranoia.
Similarly, a national report on same-sex attracted youth; argues that homophobic discrimination and abuse within and outside the school environment has resulted in higher levels of depression and suicidal behaviour among same-sex attracted youth, and is linked to increased use of illegal drugs compared to young people in the general population. In particular, same-sex attracted young people are more likely to have used marijuana and party drugs such as speed, ecstasy and LSD. These problems are increased in rural areas because GLBTI people in rural areas are subject to higher levels of discrimination and abuse as a consequence of more conservative attitudes towards sexual orientation.
Another reason drugs and alcohol are so common among gay and other same-sex attracted men is the central role that commercial venues such as bars, clubs and dance-parties have traditionally played as meeting places for gay men. As the Ministerial Advisory Committee on Gay and Lesbian Health, which advises the Victorian State Government, observes:
"For many GLBTI people – especially young people and those moving from or between rural and metropolitan areas – the commercial gay scene is one of the ways in which they take on or assume a public identity as gay, lesbian or transgender. Within the commercial scene, recreational drug and alcohol use may be part of what it means to be gay, lesbian or transgender."
Alcohol, marijuana, volatile nitrites (eg amyl nitrate), tobacco, amphetamines and ecstasy are the drugs most commonly used by gay men, with the 20-29 year age group demonstrating the highest rates of alcohol and other drug use (ADF).
Injecting drug use
"I got into really full-on use of crystal meth… There was just years of manically unsafe, unprotected sex, even to the extent of having sex without condoms in places where I was most likely to get HIV doing that. My lifestyle was full-on risk taking and it’s just amazing I’m not HIV positive. I’ve had casual unprotected sex with guys who I knew were HIV positive – I wasn’t worried if they were positive or negative; I was just in total meltdown. At that stage my mental outlook was just, ‘If I get it, I get it: I’m over it’. I went from somebody who used to be really, really social - I was working in the dance party/ nightclub scene and I’d go out to things, spend lots of time with friends and do lots of stuff - to becoming a real recluse. I was going to a backroom - a Club 80 sort of thing – and pumping myself full of drugs. I’d fuck myself stupid then go home and veg out for three days until it was time to start it all over again." from Adam 2’s story.
While many people believe that using drugs like crystal meth seriously increases your risk of getting or passing on HIV, because the drug reduces your sense of personal care and self-responsibility, others say that this is just using the drugs as an excuse and that if people can get organised enough to get themselves into a sexual encounter in the first place then they have enough decision-making capabilities to practice safe sex.
Whichever it is, as Adam 2’s story, excerpted above, indicates, people using drugs and/or alcohol to make themselves less inhibited during sex can be putting themselves at a high risk of getting or passing on HIV (and other STIs) by not using condoms with casual partners.
Men using crystal meth for sex have also reported that, while it makes them extremely horny, it also often makes them unable to sustain an erection (a condition sometimes referred to as ‘crystal dick’). In these circumstances men often become the passive partner in sex and have sex for much longer periods than they could normally handle, because the crystal is numbing any pain caused by rubbing, chafing, tearing or other injuries in the anus. Such injuries are a major risk factor for HIV transmission if condoms aren’t being used as any abrasions are a potential gateway through which HIV can pass from one person to another.
Because of the presence of injectable drugs such as methamphetamines, gay men on the commercial scene may also be at increased risk of hepatitis C and hepatitis A. Approximately 90% of all new hepatitis C infections in Australia arise from injecting drug use. Sharing injecting equipment can also lead to transmission of HIV.
While a pattern of drug and alcohol misuse can be worrying enough, for many homosexually active men there is the real fear that they are putting themselves at increased risk of getting or passing on HIV and other STIs by having sex while in a state of reduced mental capacity. Some, like Adam 2 (above), also are worried that drugs and alcohol dull the pleasure to be had from sex and prevent them from achieving intimacy during sex.
If any of these matters are of concern to you, you might want to consider talking to a counsellor about it.
Counselling
Many men have found counselling extremely helpful in getting their drug and alcohol use under control. The VAC/GMHC offers a free initial consultation and subsequent counselling is means tested to ensure affordability for people of all income levels. Our counsellors specialise in issues affecting gay and other same-sex attracted men. If you’d like some professional help with drug and alcohol issues call the VAC on (03) 9865 6700 between 2 and 4pm and ask for the Counselling Duty Officer.
Help is also available for children and teens experiencing problems with drugs and alcohol. Visit www.kidshelp.com.au for information about the Kids Help Line. They offer 24 hour counselling, information and referral available online via the website, by email or direct by phone on 1800 551 800.
Violence
Domestic Violence
Domestic violence takes on many forms, and same-sex relationships are not immune. Yet there is little gay or straight community awareness of the existence and impact of same-sex violence. People tend to think of domestic abuse as something a man does to a female partner when in fact it happens in all combinations of partners.
When both partners in a relationship are male, people can incorrectly assume that they are ‘equal’ in strength and power, or that they should be. Some male victims of domestic violence also blame themselves for that violence because they weren’t strong enough males to combat it.
Stereotypes of traditional masculinity depict physical confrontation as 'butch' and sneer at emotion as for 'sissies' - normalising physical violence and denying the powerful impact of emotional and psychological aggression.
Research suggests that somewhere between a quarter and a third of all same-sex relationships are marked by abusive and controlling behaviour. Many men have been conditioned to accept violence as a part of their relationship, despite the harm it does them. Violence is often, but not only, physical. It could include sustained put-downs and verbal criticism. One partner might exploit the financial vulnerability of another to exert control. It can include sexual coercion or outright violation. It may be public (worsening the humiliation) or private (a lonely, invisible torment).
So why not just leave? Many things can trap people in abusive relationships. The history of the relationship often provides a clue. Domestic violence that is ongoing escalates over time, conditioning those on the receiving end to tolerate more and more serious acts of abuse. There may also be periods of loving attention and even repentance. In this way, people may be trapped by their own past history of acceptance, and by their emotions (including love for their partner) and the hope the relationship may improve.
Outside factors create other obstacles. When our cultural stereotype of domestic violence is the image of a battered wife, it's difficult as gay men to recognise ourselves in the picture. Finding cops who'd respond seriously and sympathetically to the problem used to be difficult, though the training of Gay and Lesbian Liaison Officers at Victoria Police has improved this situation considerably. Non gay-specific counselling services are only beginning to respond to domestic violence in same sex relationships.
You can always turn to gay and lesbian community organisations for help, and you needn't wait until violence is life-threatening to do it. It might help to ask yourself some simple questions. Have acts of abuse come to seem natural in our relationship? Is it ongoing? Do I feel trapped? If any of these are true, you might benefit from talking to a counsellor - someone who can listen to you, encourage, advise, and help you.
Finding help
Don't feel like you're over-reacting: violence or controlling behaviour in a relationship is good reason to ask for help. Help is confidential, sensitive, and the services below are affordable or free.
VAC /GMHC Counselling Service: speak to the Duty Worker on (03) 9865 6700 weekdays between 2-4PM to arrange a first, free appointment.
Gay and Lesbian Switchboard: counselling, information and referrals, call (03) 9827 8544, daily 6-10PM or Wednesday 2-10PM.
Police Gay and Lesbian Liaison Officers: (03) 9247 6666.
Family Violence
Members of your family have no more right to physically assault or abuse you than anyone else. Being young and dependent upon your family can make physical violence or abuse from a family member(s) seem impossible to overcome. It’s important to find someone to help you.
Kids Help Line is Australia's only free, confidential and anonymous, 24-hour telephone and online counselling service specifically for young people aged between five and 18. Call them on 1800 55 1800 (this is a free call and it won't show up on the bill if you call on a landline) or visit the www.kidshelp.com.au .
If you need immediate help call the police on 000. The Victoria Police have a Gay and Lesbian Liaison Office: they can be contacted for advice and assistance during office hours on (03) 9247 6944. Gay and Lesbian Liaison Officers work in all police regions within Victoria.
Finding help
VAC/GMHC Counselling Service: speak to the Duty Worker on (03) 9865 6700 weekdays between 2-4PM to arrange a first, free appointment.
Gay and Lesbian Switchboard: counselling, information and referrals, call (03) 9827 8544, daily 6-10PM or Wednesday 2-10PM.
Police Gay and Lesbian Liaison Officers: (03) 9247 6666.
Hanover Crisis Accommodation (requires absolute homelessness): (03) 9699 6388 (call as early as possible).
Centrelink: 131 021 (appointments) or visit their Crisis Information page.
Homophobic Violence
Homophobic violence and abuse takes many forms. At its most extreme it includes murder and serious injury, when the attack is motivated purely by the fact that the attacker knows or believes the victim is gay. This category includes crimes such as the murder and torture in the USA of gay teenager Matthew Shepherd: in Australia there have also been a number of cases where men have gone to beats with the specific purpose of killing, maiming or badly injuring one or more gay men.
Unfortunately, many gay or other homosexually active men are the victims of homophobic violence and/or abuse by people they know and whose lives are intertwined with their own. For example, many gay men are the victims of ongoing homophobic attacks and abuse by members of their family, neighbors, work-colleagues, or other students at their school. These situations can be extremely traumatic because, unlike a beat-bashing, they are not a one-off and the victim is exposed to their attacker on an ongoing basis and may not have the ability to remove themselves from the abuse.
While the harm done by physical homophobic violence is all too obvious – broken bones and so forth – the psychological effects of homophobic violence or abuse are less visible but often equally devastating. Gay or straight, victims of physical attacks can suffer terrible delayed reactions such as depression, anxiety, and fear of going outside. The term post-traumatic stress disorder refers to just such instances.
Just as insidious are the psychological consequences of long-term homophobic abuse, even if it isn’t physically expressed. Being constantly denigrated, attacked and insulted because you are attracted to men can have serious effects on your self-esteem and can also contribute to serious depression and anxiety. Low self-esteem, depression and anxiety can all compromise your ability and motivation to protect yourself – and others – from HIV (see ‘Depression and Self-Esteem’ in the Issues menu for more information).
To some extent, all gay and same-sex attracted men are the victims of homophobic abuse: despite improvements over the past few decades a general institutionalised homophobia is still an ever-present background hum in the daily-life of our culture. Most days, for example, we can read articles or letters in the newspapers in which politicians, religious spokespeople and general citizens argue for and against providing gay men and lesbians with rights that heterosexual people take for granted. What effect does this ingrained questioning of your value and humanity have on your emotional development and self-esteem as you form your sexual identity?
One of the reasons Counselling Services have been such an important part of the Victorian AIDS Council’s fight against AIDS is that they have been able to provide so many gay men with an opportunity to answer just this question. To find out more about Counselling Services and the range of issues they are experienced in helping with, visit the Counselling page.
Finding help
Police Gay and Lesbian Liaison Officers: (03) 9247 6666. Contact in case of attack or call 000 for immediate police response.
Gay and Lesbian Switchboard: counselling, information and referrals, call (03) 9827 8544, daily 6-10PM or Wednesday 2-10PM.
VAC/GMHC Counselling Service: speak to the Duty Worker on (03) 9865 6700 weekdays between 2-4PM to arrange a first, free appointment.
Anal Sex
Penetration
Many of the guys on this site have described the experience of being fucked for the first time as uncomfortable and even painful (e.g. Paul and Clinton’s stories). It can take you and your sphincter muscles (i.e. the muscles that form a ring around the anus) some time to relax and get used to this new experience. Ignoring pain and forcing it can cause tears or fissures in the lining of the anus, so if you want to get fucked it’s important to take it slowly and recognise pain as an indication that you’re not ready. Water-based lube is also important as it makes penetration easier, and won’t damage condoms. Remember, it’s your arse, so you know better than your sexual partner whether it’s OK or not.
Practicing on your own with a buttplug or dildo and lube, before you try it with someone else, is a good idea as this puts you in control when you are first getting used to the sensation of having something inside you. Make sure sex-toys like this are cleaned well before you use them and clean them before sharing them with a sex partner.
When you do try it with a partner it’s also a good idea for you and your partner not to go straight for penetration without warming up first! For example, gentle manipulation of the anus with fingers and gradually entering the anus with one or more fingers is a good way for your partner to gauge how ready you are. Focusing on your breathing can also help you relax.
Rimming
Many guys find that being rimmed by their partner (i.e. having their arse licked) also really helps them to relax their sphincter muscles. Many men love rimming and/or being rimmed but you need to be aware that it carries its own sexual health risks – i.e. of getting hepatitis A, shigella and other gut-bugs. (See the sexual health section for more information). If you are going to be rimmed ensuring your anus is as clean as possible with reduce the risk for your partner.
Anal hygiene
Another anal hygiene issue to consider is douching. As well as emptying their bowels by going to the toilet the regular way, some people prefer to clean any faeces (shit) out of their rectum before anal sex by douching. Douching simply means washing out your rectum with lukewarm water. This is achieved by squeezing water from the douchebag into the rectum via a tube, which is eased into the anus. Clenching your anus so that it the water is held inside, you then expel the water into the toilet just as if you were having a shit. This enables you to remove any residual shit from your rectum, as it is expelled with the water.
There are special douches to do this, available from chemists and sex shops, but some people prefer to use something simpler for douching, like a basic squeezy plastic sauce dispenser with a nozzle. (If you do this, remember to wash it well afterwards and don’t use it for anything else or leave it lying around the kitchen!)
Douching can reduce the protective lining of the anal mucosa, which can make you more susceptible to HIV if you have unprotected sex, so if you prefer to douche, try not to overdo it, don’t make the water too hot and don’t use soap or any kind of detergent to the douche water.
Rather than douching, many men prefer to focus on maintaining a balanced diet as the best means of maintaining anal health and hygiene. A good healthy diet is more likely to result in healthy stools (i.e. shit) and a more complete elimination from your bowels. Having a shit should be a natural process; having to strain and force on the toilet – or spend a long time doing so – to empty your bowels are signs that your stools (i.e your shit) are not in ideal condition and that your diet may be the problem.
Tears and fissures
Anal sex can result in tears or even fissures. If this happens it is important to seek medical assistance: there are now even non-surgical treatments for anal fissures today, which assist your body to heal the fissure itself, so don’t be afraid to ask for help. Obviously it is important to consult a doctor you feel comfortable discussing anal sex with: if you don’t feel comfortable speaking to your regular doctor about something like this then contact the VAC Health Promotion Team (03) 9865 6700 for a list of gay or gay-friendly clinics.
